There's something wrong with me. I don't know what, but there's something wrong.
I cried for three hours (this is the fourth) today and won't let my mom or my brother get near me. I don't have to look in the mirror to know how imperfect and ugly my face, hair, and body are. I don't want anybody to see me ever again. Ever. Oh, why can't I be pretty and thin? I just want to be, so so badly.
I was bulimic for two days, and then ate normally the next school day. I didn't throw up for another couple of days, but when I looked at the scale and saw that I had lost two pounds, I felt so happy. I wanted to do it myself, without a disease. Now, though, I just want to lose it.
I was going to call Patrick, or Corinne, or Hayden, or somebody and talk to them, but I found myself thinking, "God, who cares about me? I just annoy people. I need too much attention. I don't have any friends. Nobody would care if I died. Nobody thinks about me. Nobody misses me."
Which sounds scarily like Jess was.
I'm not sleeping a lot. I go for days without eating, not on purpose. I'm just not hungry. And then I'll be starving for days. I get so irritable sometimes. I alienate myself. I just want to smoke and drink and sex.
I don't want to tell anybody but my friends about this until I'm thin. I need to be thin before I meet any other people. I made a deal with myself that I won't cut until I'm thin. That's not right.
Oh, God, I'm going crazy.
But crazy people don't know they're crazy.
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3 comments:
CC, i'm sorry that you are going through all of this, but realize that people really do care about you, you do have SOO many friends, people think about you, and people miss you (including me). I think that you are the most amazing, wonderful, strong, confident, and beautiful- inside- and out- person i have ever met. I would do anything for you, and yes, i would definitely care if you died!! So please, dont do this to yourself, and if you want to lose weight, lose it in a healthy way. Please realize that you are not worthless, as you seem to view yourself, and you mean so much to soo many people. And, you will get through this, and i'm here for you whenever. So, please, dont do this to urself!
your friends do care about you. whether you realize it or not.
i don't want to discuss this on the interweb. you know my number if you want me.
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