Why do you cry when you know how the story ends? How can you laugh when it hurts your friends? We've all been there once, but you've never laughed.

Well school is practically over. No more tests, homework, or annoying teachers' voices, cough mahoski cough. But now that schools over, I'm not sure what I'm going to do with myself. I liked school because I could see people there. Now it's summer and I'm going to be either working, or at home and I won't get to see the people I normally see. I've become better friends with people and made new ones, I don't want to lose them over the summer.

I have a feeling that the days I'm not working, there's going to be band practice, where so far I haven't done shit except sit around listening to the "Henry's gay" song. I've realized that Nick and John can't take anything seriously. That and I sometimes take things too seriously. I feel kind of left out of the band. Like everyone would help each other out in making the guitar parts and stuff, but I end up just getting "forgotten" on the side.

I'm going to miss a lot of people. I think I'm going to keep coming back to that again and again. I want to be able to see everyone at once again. A big group of all my friends where we can just talk, laugh and enjoy ourselves without making an idiot out of people. Thought that kind of humor seems to run through most of my friends. I don't understand that. John and Nick do that to Mike all the time. At least Pat says he's trying to stop. And I'm just so much fun to tease and make fun of because I don't try to get revenge on anyone. I'll just stand there and take it. Is it something where they're making up for their own shortcomings? Is seeing the dejected look on someone's face really worth the laughter?

What fits my mood right now is a line from "A Moment of Silence" by Streetlight Manifesto:
How long do you think you can go before you lose it all?
Before they call your bluff and watch you fall?
I don't know, but I like to think I had control
At some point, but I let it go and lost my soul.

I don't know whether I'm sane or not. I don't know if I'm in control. What I do know is that I'm feeling alone and I've seen most of the people at school yesterday during the english final. I don't know if the friends I have respect me. It feels like I have to redefine a lot of things here. And it's so ironic that I just pulled myself out of a, metaphorically speaking, addiction to a drug. There's always going to be something. There may be a light at the end up a dark tunnel, but from where I'm standing, it's very far off. I can't seem to be happy for long enough. I never thought I'd actually say this, but I need to be around people. Not just a small group of friends, but I mean like some big group where we can sit around, or play some game, and blast music that we can poorly sing along too. I'm pretty much describing my time at relay for life I just realized. Oh man, that was fun.

It's just like him
To wander off in the evergreen forest
Slowly searching
For any signs of the ones he used to love
He say's he's got nothing left to live for
(He say's he's got nothing left)

But this time I think you'll know
You're not alone
There is more to this I know
You can make it out
You will live to tell