Okay, I totally get I've been posting like a wildabeast lately. But I have a lot of feelings. And that last post I feel my friends deserved as an explanation.
But I'm miserable.
And I hate crying.
I'm tired of crying and I'm tired of looking at those long, black mascara streaks in the mirror, and I'm tired of opening my wrists with one of those jumbo paper clips.
I'm tired of the noise.
My dad finally comes home tonight. I'm always excited to see him - his visits are rare and he truly loves me. But his visits are always populated with screaming. With glasses breaking. With arguments, all the time.
They argue about money. Sure. Don't all parents? I mean, my mom and my brother and I survive on very minimal amounts of money that Dad allots us. So my mom needs checks, and I understand that they argue about that.
But do they have to argue about Steven and I? Do they have to use us for leverage? When I get pissed at my dad because I don't have lunch money, my mom uses that against him. When I open up to Dad because Mom's taking her anger out on us, he reminds her of it.
Dad taught me about a lot of things I love: skiing, boating, lacrosse (which I don't really love), and he's always been a great dad. He lets us stay up late and rent movies and go out for dinner and pretty much do what we want.
And he's gone.
I can't help but think Mom drove him away. It's not fair, I know.
I just want to run away. I want to get away from the noise and my tears. Away from everything.
I can't stand it when my mom cries after one of his visits. It breaks me apart. But I have so much anger.
Dad left when I was, what, two? I claim that my earliest memories at about seven, but you know why I say that? So I don't have to remember sitting in the staircase, leaning against the wall, holding the banister, hearing glasses breaking and screams echoing.
They love to hate each other. It's so wrong.
I need my dad around.
But I hate them both.
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16 comments:
i understand what you're talking about with parents fighting. albeit, my situation may not be as grave as yours, my parents have more than an appropriate share of arguments - mostly about trivial items.
there's not much you can do when yr parents get into an argument. i just try to zone out, but as much as i like to try, it hardly works. since i am a gamer and i do play instruments, i try to use either my bass or any video game i know i love as an escape. sometimes i read. it's hard, but it's what everyone has to deal with sometimes even if some people have it harder than others.
i'm always there if you need, so don't hesitate to phone me whenever. (like wallpaper.)
"Okay, I totally get I've been posting like a wildabeast lately. But I have a lot of feelings."
posting is what keeps this "forum" alive. do it. believe me; when i am going through a shitty time, this forum will definitely hear about it. a lot.
CC- I am totally here for you whenever you need to talk. I am open to you if you need advice... although i don't have much to give you because i do not really understand what ur going through. And i know it must be really hard for u not to make those marks on yourself but really, you should stop. I know that ur smarter than that, and you don't want to end up hurting yourself. Although you do feel releved when you do it, it is better not to do it, yet just deal with the pain. I know it's hard, and i know i can't exactly relate to you, but i am always here for you. Not only a person whom with you can cry with or share your feelings with, but i'm here for you as a friend. I love you and i would do anything to help you.
I'm here for you.
hear hear.
Ignore my moments of utter and complete depression.
Only pay attention to me when I'm giggling.
Really, don't worry about me.
But thanks anyway.
that's foolhardy.
Life is, and will be one hell of a ride. We face our problems everyday, whether we want to or not. The thing is though, no matter how much the ride hurts, you can't lose hope that there'll be something better around the next turn, if not, your favorite eatery at the next rest stop.
I can't relate to your parents fighting at all. I'm never around for when mine argue. But there's gotta be some other outlet for your emotions besides slitting your wrists.
Personally, when I'm really stressed, I scream silently to myself until I run out of air, take another breath, then scream some more until I get light-headed and I end up calming down. Music can also be good, just make sure you pick the songs that make you happy. I can shut out just about anything while reading, so I do that too.
As I mentioned before, don't lose hope. It is a great thing to be hopeful. It got me through a bunch of years at school when I had lost everything else.
i like how henry acts as a moral benchmark (reminding me of atticus finch yet again.)
i'm not going to sound like a broken record, so i will say something new. these words i am about to say have gotten me through some hard times, and i always recite the words to jb and henry whenever they have a problem.
"don't let shit get to you."
and
"fight the good fight."
for me, if i realize that what i am dealing with is just shit in my life, i can deal with it easier. but that's just me. and to the second one - who doesn't want to be in the middle of a good fight?
And when you wake up, everything is going to be fine,
I guarantee that you'll wake in a better place, in a better time...
check 1,2,3
Henry's REALLY funny.
oh my God we have a new the garage poster...
when does the hazing begin?
Right... now!
AIR-RAID, FRESHMAN!
yus. you told me about that one...
Oh, CC!
::huggles::
Hayden and Patrick and Henry already posted most of what I wanted to say, but you should know that there's never a time when I'm not here for you.
And if you need to get away, I've got plenty of room and food in my house. I'm totally serious. Even if you need somebody to talk to or don't want to be around after a fight or during a fight or before a fight or when there's no fight at all. Becaues I just luff you that much. And if somebody comes to get you we can shove you under a pile of blankets and pillows and cushions and pretend that you're not there, like we used to do at sleepovers.
Trust me on this one. We love you lots. I know that I, personally, would do anything for you. Don't ever think you have to deal with all this turmoil by yourself.
I love you!
The further one is from their true path, the more blurry and distorted their decision making capabilities. Find out who you are and be your awesome and wonderful self to the best of your ability and put out as much good energy as you can. Free will is the choice each has every moment to decide either to be their awesome and wonderful self or their fragile bag of shit self.
Learn about balance, control and energy, learning and growing, gathering consciousness, and you will be better at being your awesome and wonderful self.
My sincerest best thoughts and good energy for health, happiness and harmony to you and yours.
Sapere aude!
Peace
Rob @ guldies.net
I was asked to post here by someone who cares. :-) Sending you love and light.
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