Three-day weekend. Martin Luther King, Jr., was an amazing guy. Who'll be saying Hail Martins on Monday? I know I will.
Dark blue, dark blue, Alli just died of leukemia.
Did anybody get that?
I feel like I always have problems... and you guys are always the support. I know how it feels to be the rock, the absorber-of-issues, when you never have enough space for your own problems. That was last year I felt like that, but I don't listen to Sophia any more and Jess's issues are now more trivial, so I can pour out my heart to y'all.
Hot diggity.
It's weird, it's like the only people I'm close to who I don't talk to are Alicia and Corinne. I mean, I don't talk to Jess, but she's not one of my biffers. Me and Ali and Cori... see, we're the treddy. And I love them. But somehow, they're... less real? Like they won't get my problems. Whereas you guys seem different, somehow.
I'm worried about Hayden. Yeah, babe, you. For Christmas, she asked for Solos, Uggs, and a Northface. She calls the music I like "emo," doesn't like it, and likes hip-hop-esque music. She uses the terms "retarded" and "gay."
What happened to the Hayden I used to know? The original, funny, creative, one-of-a-kind, confident girl I used to love? Maybe I'm being judgemental and dumb - actually, I know I'm being judgemental and dumb. But I guess I don't want to lose friends again to either of the cloning machines I like to call Long Island and middle school.
Perhaps she likes these styles and that music. Maybe she doesn't get how those words hurt people. But maybe she's a popular girl wannabe, maybe she wants to blend in.
WHO THE FUCK WOULD WANT TO BLEND?
The word "medecine." Is that how you spell it? Because for some reason, I know it's right, but it looks horribly, horribly wrong. It looks British. Like colour and favourite and BOLLOCKS.
I lost a pound.
1 lb.
I still feel terribly fat. I think I have some issues, seeing myself as way more fat than I think I am. A lot of people have told me I'm thin and wonderful, but I see myself as rather... bloated and... pudgy.
Superiority complex.
^^Bad stuff.
Patrick and... Mike? They get that. And if Corinne remembers our CBB conversation, then she does too.
Sometimes I feel so alone.
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9 comments:
I am not "wannabe" popular, and i'm sorry that you see me that way.I just want to mature, and get boobs. You see, it's hard to be a later bloomer. I may have change a little bit, but i am still the same girl that you "used to love". For me, hip hop= "eh", rock= awesome, rap="boo" (but is sometimes good to dance to if it has a good beat). And maybe we like different styles of music, but that doesn't matter. And i will try to stop to use the words "gay" and "retarded". And i have actually lost the interest in "solos" and "uggs"...well, uggs are ugly! And you will NEVER,EVER, lose me as a friend. I am still the same girl, have the same interests, friends, and believe in the same things. And have I said words that hurt people? When actually, the words you have said about me hurt a little bit; yeah, they do. I am trying not to change, and i hope my changes haven't made you like me less as a friend. But trust me, i am still the same girl, just changed.. we all change, don't we?
some of the changes i've made and have been forced to make have turned out well. some not.
i usually have faith that everything works out in the end.
hayden - don't change yourself or be someone else just because of someone's words. from experience, it's better if you are yourself.
People just want to fit in with their friends sometimes, CC. They want to have something more in common with them then just whatever reasons they're friends for to start with. Maybe that's what Hayden's trying to do.
And you shouldn't worry about being fat. You're not. I don't really understand why people think that way. If it's about fitting in with what society tells us to do, then I'm surprised you're worrying about it.
We're all self-concious about stuff. And so we change ourselves to make ourselves happier. I guess you gotta think whether or not you're losing weight, or whatever, for yourself, or for everyone else.
i lost weight:
a. because i did not want to die
b. because i wanted to feel/look better
Mmmmmm, I love Hayden.
I love cc more!!
I still don't get why you don't tell me stuff...I don't have to get it, even though I probably will. It's not telling so other people will "feel you pain" and "oh poor baby". " It's to get it out refill the space it took up wtih better stuff, rather than locking it away to return to and wallow. But then again, it is your choice.
You make me feel shallow...weak...stupid.
Your worse and better than you think you our. Figur it out.
~I walk the
night time
is said to be too
far to love
is blind
*Figure
Goddamn that e
you..our? oh my god
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